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My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
“Was that lightning?” “No no…. they’re taking pictures for Google Earth..”
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
If someone says "I`m a sub-par golfer" does that mean they`re good at golf, or bad?
I`d like to give a shoutout to all the people who are going through an identity crisis, you know who you are... I think.
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it`s that everyone speaks English after they die.
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
Sarcasm: because beating the sh!t out of people is illegal.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.