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The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
Marriage tip: Don`t
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I can`t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
Someone’s therapist knows all about you.
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
had a great time horseback riding today but then I ran out of quarters
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
As i get older i realize I do a LOT more YOGA...attempting to tie my shoelaces
My head hurts, I think my horns are coming in...
I`m not feeling myself today..... Perhaps I should feel someone else.
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.
If something`s worth doing, it`s worth doing rihgt.