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Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.
Honk if you are reading this.
When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but your on Facebook again.
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
The Zoo is a safe place to fart.
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
Mary had a little lamb,,the midwife fainted
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
He who laughs first, must be connected to wi-fi.
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."