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Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
I love you with all my thighs. I would say my heart, but my thighs are much bigger.
During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
I just dusted and mopped the house like 3 months ago and it’s dirty again. This is bullsh!t.
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can`t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
I bought my mother in-law one of those atomic clocks. I can`t wait for the alarm to go off.
If tit for tat doesn`t mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I`ve been doing it wrong this whole time.
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 10% of battery remaining.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched....well, at least that`s what the restraining order says.
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.