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Turbo tax might just be the worst video game I ever played.
There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
If it doesn`t include antidepressants, they shouldn`t call it a Happy Meal.
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."
Ladies, if you are really good at blow jobs, you don’t have to pretend to like football.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
Did you know that running for just 10 minutes a day raises your risk of posting inspirational quotes by 63%?
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
1. OMG will this ever end? 2. OMG will this ever end? 3. OMG will this ever end? - top 3 things on my mind when I`m in a conversation
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.