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How long do I have to sleep before I`m legally a bear?
Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn`t a real sport.
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
This one isnt that funny, keep scrolling.
It`s tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
Iām amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
The only part I like about doing laundry is saying I`ve got a big load
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
I found the key to happiness ... Stay away from a$$holes.
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
Iād steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
You know you`re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on