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If I could be anyone else in the whole world, I would still be me so that I wouldn`t have to buy new clothes.
My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...
The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
I imagine a world where whining on Facebook is illegal.
"But why?" - Me at weddings
When I go to the gas station I always get two kinds of drinks so it appears I actually have a friend..I think they`re catching on though.
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
*uses Ouija board* NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
Line forms here for spankings
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.