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I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
Hump Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th one hasn`t been seen since the study was conducted.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
I`m not saying women are smarter than men, but it`s kinda ironic that there`s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
I always push when I should pull. I have doorlexia.
I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?