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Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
"Dancing with the Stars" is being canceled, but tune in to a new reality show by the same creators called, "Athletes do your Taxes."
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
If Wyle E Coyote had enough cash to buy all that ACME stuff why didn’t he just buy dinner?
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
It`s fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car`s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
Be the type of gentleman that holds the door open for your girl, but smacks her ass as she walks in.
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.