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Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
I dare you to spit on this status.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it`s a small soft drink.
Jack The Ripper would be a great name for a fitness trainer.
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would`ve been a lot more interesting.
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.
Just been watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury...but I should be ok in a couple days.