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I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
Life is full of disappointments, I`ll just add you to the list.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
Whenever you`re feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too!
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...