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Stop screaming, lady. All I said was `this is how pornos start`. It`s just elevator talk.
The more I drink, the more I realize how much more I still want to drink.
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
I`m not lazy. I`m just highly motivated to not do anything.
There has to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
You’re really not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.
Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.
I wish I could select all my responsibilities and press delete.
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
If Milli Vanilli were to fall in the woods, would someone else make a sound?