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When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
that moment when somebody calls your house phone and ask where you are
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Hoodie Footie Pajamas from Pajamagram; because nothing tells a girl you love her like giving her something to cover up her body from head to toe before she gets in your bed.
whenever I take my clothes off the shower usually gets turned on
Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.
The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?