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If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??
Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
Sometimes I feel bad about the things I say and do, but today is not one of those days.
Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it`s safe to say it was a pretty sh!tty chameleon.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting
I wonder what I did in a previous life to get reincarnated as me...
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
I guess I need to buy some new drink coasters because I finally ran out of AOL free trial CDs.
I believe in equality. If we have a 5 day week of work, we should have 5 day weekends as well dammit.
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y`all.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.