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We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.
I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
A lot of you lose your sh!t and have some pretty epic, public meltdowns. I just wanted to say thanks.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
that moment when somebody calls your house phone and ask where you are
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.
It`s not an attitude problem, it`s the way I am.
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.