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Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
Wow!!, What a day..I volunteered at a soup kitchen, mowed my lawn, went to 2 Birthday parties, ran 6 miles, then told a bunch of lies on Facebook.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I`d rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
So I turned my phone onto " airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever!
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.