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Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever you prefer.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to just ignore you.
They say love is in every corner… Then my life must be a freakin’ circle.