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The first rule of selfie club should be to clean your room.
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
My biggest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality.
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store