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If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don`t worry, another study says you`re just being paranoid.
the real full form of M.B.A....Married But Available
Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
There are 2 kinds of people I can’t stand: Nosy people, and people who won’t tell me what in the hell is going on.
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.
I`m smiling, that alone should scare you.
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.