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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
When you screw up, menopause can be a wonderful excuse for stupid things you do or say!!!
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
I gave up my Ego, because I am so much better than that..................
When I was a kid I remember I fell asleep in the couch and woke up in the bed, now I fall asleep in the couch and wake up on the floor.
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
My relationship status? Last night, in the elevator, I told a girl she had nice shoelaces.
Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”