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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
the dude who posted ”MERRY CHRISTMAS“ has still got his head shoved up the turkeys A$$ it seems...
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
Don`t judge. Maybe I`m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don`t know.
"Teeter Totter" is the silliest name for toddler catapults.
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
I didn`t sleep well last night so this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. Half way to work I realized I forgot my car.
Whenever you`re feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too!
A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It`s a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don`t meow back. Unbelievably rude