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I want to spend the rest of my life photo bombing the Google street view camera shots dressed as Waldo.
Call me an optimist, but I always viewed my cup as half full…of Vodka!!
Laughter is the best medicine but if you are laughing without any reason, I think you need medicine
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
Where did all the people walking around with boomboxes in the 80s go? I`m concerned
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep
With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything.
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.