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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
You might be addicted to Facebook if you read my post`s every day...
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
Yes, I dance in my car. Yes, I see you staring at me. No, I do not care.
Revenge is not in my plans. You`ll f*ck yourself on your own.
Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I`m not really interested
Stop complaining about being single!!, we have bigger problems here. Like why McDonalds don`t serve breakfast after 10:30 -.-
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Just because I know I`m a "Good looking, extremely intelligent, funny as hell, sexy ass, Motherf#ker" doesn`t mean I`m "Conceited"...Im more like a "Realist", that just so happens to be very good with adjectives!...A "Bad-Ass Realist", that is!
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you’re hot.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
I`ve just been watching a documentary on marijuana...... I think all documentaries should be watched this way.