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A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
If it`s true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn`t just "lay in bed and watch TV all day" I traveled very far thank u
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom`s wise words: "Don`t pick that up!! You don`t know where it`s been!!"
I dare you to spit on this status.
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.