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"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
French people give me the crepes.
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don’t actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
I`m painting a blue square in the backyard... so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
9 of 10 voices in my head telI me I `m crazy. One hums ...
You’d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is