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When I was a kid they didn`t call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "Being a little brat".
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
If you like to make love while listeninag to music, always choose live album. ..That way you`ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :)
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don`t tell people everything you know
Yesterday I fell off a 50 foot ladder. It`s probably a good thing I was on the bottom step...
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.