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Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
wants to come back as a bird after I die.... just so i can sh!t on the people who piss me off.
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
B!tch, I will slap you by accident on purpose.
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
one day a man seen a fairy, and asked.... could you make me irresistible to all women.... so she turned him into a credit card. :`D
Serving size ?? LMAO
I`m sorry. Putting up with your sh!t isn`t on my To-Do list today.
Since light travels faster than sound, isn`t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
I`m only gonna have one beer. At a time. Until all the beer is gone.