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I like having an ex ...it gives me something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning.
I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
University; It`s like being unemployed, but your parents are proud of you.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
Being normal is boring.
If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!
My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.