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The more you know. Daylight Savings started back in 1964 when Jerry Daylight Savings was an hour late for work & convinced his boss all the clocks were wrong.
Now that I`m on Facebook, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
Eat whatever you want,and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight ...Eat them too..!
The funniest thing about this Facebook status is by the time you realize it doesn`t say anything important, it`s to late for you to stop reading it ... sucker
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor’s trash so you don’t get robbed.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they’re absolutely right because smart men don’t get married.
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.