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Money can`t buy happiness, but I`d rather cry in a Ferrari.
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
There`s no life problem that a good "F*ck this shit" can`t solve.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up and play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find `em.
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
Odd how all the `intelligent life finding instruments` are pointed away from earth.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
Black Friday at my house consist of pants 100% off
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...
Anything is legal when there`s no police around