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I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
You Are The Reason My Middle Finger Was Created.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
If my memory gets any worse I`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.
For some reason, I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why!
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail ... JK ...It was me.
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
Sometimes I wish people would just bring donuts to work instead of drama.
Why is it when you take a break from Facebook everyone assumes you`re happy and in love ... Maybe I was in jail.
Don`t understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.