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If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
It`s amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.
Things that keep me awake # 408...How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.
It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.