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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
If you`re reading this then I`m wishing you a Happy New Year! Stay safe, have fun, and remember, I like New Years gifts too!
Rawwrrr means I love you in dinosaur. Everyone knows that, silly
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
I can`t find my happy place this morning, mind if I goto yours
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
I have lost my mind and I am making no effort to look for it.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy`s it would take to levitate?
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
Yes, Facebook says we`re `friends` but, trust me, I wouldn`t hesitate to punch you in the face.
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
Life is hard ... It`s harder if you`re stupid.
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…