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Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Sometimes it takes me 8 hours to get nothing done.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Mrs Bieber.... WHY U NO USE CONDOM?
I`m not judging you, I`m just trying to guess what medications you`re on.
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
"I`m glad the weekends over" -Nobody ever
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Sunday is Mother`s Day, which means Facebook is gonna be annoying as crap...
We would like to thank everyone that submits statuses to the site. Many get rejected because we don`t think they are funny, or they are unreadable, or they are to inappropriate and offensive.
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.