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If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don`t know how to play chess.
Drunk people are the only honest ones left.
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
I was blown away when I realised the word " OK " is a side ways person.
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
I really wish Wal-Mart had a 10 teeth or more line...
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool