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if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
Your duty as a friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck.
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
Seven years ago today I swallowed bubblegum ... I`ll keep you all posted.
It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
Heat makes things expand. So I don`t have a weight problem...I`m just HOT.
Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Wondering if my heart is healthy enough for sex ... volunteers needed.