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If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Sh!t Sherlock Research Institute.
I`d share my Netflix login but I`m too embarrassed by "My List".
I love arguing with you so much, I`ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
It needs more cowbell!!
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?