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I have no time for games in my relationships. Unless by games you`re referring to naked twister. I`ve always got time for that sh!t.
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
I`m easily influenced... That`s why I try not to watch too much porn
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
I want to be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
"is Pepsi ok?" - my coke dealer, tryin to be funny
You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.