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I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
People like you remind me how lucky I am that my cell phone provider has a block option! Just sayin.
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad."
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn`t invite me over.
During a test..people look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.