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I don`t ever know where I`m at till I`m there
Happy New Years Everyone! (I stole this status:) )
I never tell god how big my problems ,,, I tell my problems how big my god is
How can I love nature when it did this to my hair?
This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson`s family has been abducted, they really need to stop leaving the house.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
I heard she was born naked!! That slut!
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
I always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
FYI: I`m never gonna tell the person I`m meeting up with that you said hi.
My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."