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Two knives taped together are not a suitable alternative to scissors.
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
Life is so much funnier if you have a dirty mind
Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
I`m tired of things costing money
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
99 Days Facebook Free? Big deal! In 1999 I went a whole year without Facebook.
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..
No really I`m fine, I have drugs and alcohol to block out reality, but thanks anyway...
I was named after my father. I don`t really like the name "Dad" though.