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Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
There`s no b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, n, o, p, q, r, s, u, v, w, x, y, or z in team either.
You tell me I`m crazy, the voices tell me I`m not. 4 against 1, so........
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
The girl on the flyer is never at the club.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
roses are red, violets are blue, god made everyone beautiful, what the hell happened to you?
I just did some calculations and I`ve been able to determine that you`re full of sh!t.
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.