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What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
Want the truth? Just ask a kid.
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
Does the 5 second rule apply to soup? Please answer quickly!
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
“Let’s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise” – sports fans
They should make Vodka ChapStick
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
It’s a status….not your diary…