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I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I`ve taken today`s gummy vitamins.
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
How awesome would it be if boobs made maraca sounds when you shook them? LOL
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren`t you Ice-T?"
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.
Not everything on CNN is fake news. Some of it is commercials.
Would an obsession with the imperial measurement system be considered a foot fetish?
I may be wrong, but I doubt it.
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.
Really, 6 more inches of snow today. My front yard is getting more action than me.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.