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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
Does this status update make me look fat?
I`m not saying women are smarter than men, but it`s kinda ironic that there`s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
Ok, I admit. Everything that`s wrong in your life is your fault.
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
no one is perfect thats why pencil have eraser
lf the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
is running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.
My 5 year plan includes purchasing a Slurpee machine.
I’m watching this show on stalkers, still haven’t seen any of you yet.
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional