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I had to leave the bowling alley right in the middle of the game. I didn`t have time to spare.
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
Tip of the day: When there’s a will…find a way to be in it!
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
When it comes to tantrums, I throw like a girl.
To be honest with you, I start all my lies with to be honest with you.
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
Ladies, when it comes to doggy style.....I`m behind you 100%
I`m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don`t really get the metric system. How much exactly is "in moderation"?
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
Expect nothing and you`ll be impressed every day.
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn`t eat.
Show some cleavage on bad hair days.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.