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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
I’ve thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year’s resolution ... 1024×768.
You know you`re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature`s.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
You have a point. It`s just not very sharp
The awkward moment when you set something down for a second and it disappears off the face of the earth.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face...
The only difference between sex and breakfast is sometimes I don`t want breakfast.
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
Yesterday I fell off a 50 foot ladder. It`s probably a good thing I was on the bottom step...
These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.
When will they start calling marijuana dispenseries grass stations?
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.