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French people give me the crepes.
At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
I`m glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."
Hearing jokes is always 100 times funnier when you have water in your mouth.
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It`s like they don`t know I plan on cropping them out later.
When I`m not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol