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Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
God is creative... I mean look at me??
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
I will resolve to spend less time on Facebook..............ok, got that one out of the way.....................
It`s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
My head has that drunk on cheap alcohol feel without me getting to actually drink the alcohol :(
All I`m saying is there`s a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things