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Do you think that the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "if you build it they will come"?
I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. A broken heart makes you wiser. And alcohol makes you not remember any of that sh!t.
I just want a reason to dramatically slide across the hood of a car.
Why is it that the instant I buy new chap stick, the old one magically reappears?
whenever I take my clothes off the shower usually gets turned on
Went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn`t find any
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.
Happiness comes from within. That`s why it always feels so good to fart.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times