Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
I wonder if one day somebody will knock on my door and say to me, “Hey ,we have 7 mutual friends in Facebook; may I come in?"
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”
My mother might be right.. I was the reason someone invented birth control.
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
You`re the one who wore a red and yellow scarf to class. So don`t look at me weird for shouting "10 points for gryffindor" when you answer questions cause I know you wanted this. -Bfanch
I may hate waiting. But I love procastinating.
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch
People think I`m a hugger, but I`m actually shaking them down for snacks.