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It hurts to be in love. Oh wait, I`m sitting on my keys.
New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
Sorry I missed your call. I took too long to answer because I was dancing to the ringtone.
life is too short to match socks
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.