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The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Reverse Psychology: DO not STALK MY FB PAGE. YOU ARE not OBSESSED WITH ME...
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks I should skip work tomorrow.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
Does this couch Iām laying on make me look unmotivated?
Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
I`m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.