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Transformation Tuesday! Throwback Thursday! Flashback Friday! Never underestimate a woman`s ability to find a reason to post a selfie.
I have no time for games in my relationships. Unless by games you`re referring to naked twister. I`ve always got time for that sh!t.
Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Unless life hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
I’ve already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I’m gonna “come on down” whether they call my name or not.
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
When I was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played Dad, well played.
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead. It`s pain only for others. It`s the same thing when you are stupid.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.
Dear Santa, before I try to explain…..just how much do you already know?