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You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
Did you know: Your life expectancy decreases every time you ... PISS ME OFF
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
I`m glad it`s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the sh!t I should be doing.
I didn`t fall. The floor just needed a hug.
Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk ;)
"F*ck that sh!t", is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no"
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.