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I’d like to think I’ve taught Citibank a valuable lesson about handing out credit cards all willy-nilly.
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
I`d hate to be a dragon .....I`d get so pissed tryin to blow out my birthday candles.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.
DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.
You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.