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I wonder what "don`t touch" is in Braille.
I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can’t make coffee.
What is Warm, Soft, Sticky and has a Hole in the middle? It`s a Fresh donut. I was way off on that one!
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
Typical: you have nothing to wear for a party and suddenly the rabbits, the birds and the mice begin to sew you a dress
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the f*ck alone.