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I wish the "Do not ask me again" option existed in real life.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
It`s a good thing farting isn`t as contagious as yawning.
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
Apparently, when asked by a Traffic Cop "Where you going in such a hurry?", "To your sister`s house!" is not considered respectful to a law enforcement official......
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I`m going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That`s what I did."
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
Is anyone going to tell America`s funniest videos about YouTube?
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
What`s the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?