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Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.
I can´t wait for summer. One of my highlights of summer is talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.
Facebook stalking? BAH! In my day, we used to root through people`s garbage.
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.