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Dieting is for the birds. Which is why you hardly ever see a fat bird.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
Ways to die: Steal my food.
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
I just blew all my party money on bills again
Where did all the people walking around with boomboxes in the 80s go? I`m concerned
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
If I’m going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then I’m going to need a bigger rug.