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I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
I wish Tony the Tiger would burst into a raisin commercial and yell “They’re graaaapes!”
I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
I only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.
My therapist just offered me my money back.
The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake
Facebook should allow people to be in a relationship with food. That would be my relationship for eternity.
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you`ll love my farts.